Is Your Guilt A Toxic Force?

Posted on by February 14, 2014

Get to Know the Difference Between Healthy and Toxic Guilt

Some forms of guilt can be a positive force, steering people to do the right thing, other forms can be positively toxic, seeping into all areas of an individual’s life and destroying their health and happiness. Toxic guilt causes stress, which compromises the immune system and increases vulnerability to illness. What’s more, people who suffer from toxic guilt surrender their personal autonomy to live life on their own terms.

‘There’s a big difference between good and bad guilt. The former teaches you to consider the needs of others and helps you to choose right from wrong; the latter stems from insecurity, hyper-sensitivity to how others perceive you, and a desperate need to be liked.’

People with toxic guilt are constantly striving to be good enough, bent on pleasing those around them, and enslaved by unreasonably high expectations of themselves.

 Warning signs of toxic guilt

To determine if you have toxic guilt, answer these five questions:

1. Is pleasing others the main driver in your life?

2. Does the need to see yourself as “good” motivate you to take on people or projects when you’d really rather not?

3. Do you feel you’re never quite good enough?

4. Would you like to change something about your life — such as moving to another place or breaking off an unhealthy relationship — but won’t because you’d feel too guilty?

5. Do you habitually give more than you receive?

If you answered “yes” to at least two of these questions, chances are that toxic guilt is controlling your life.

 Setting healthy boundaries

Even if you’ve been plagued by toxic guilt for as long as you can remember, you can free yourself, live a more satisfying life, and know that you’re still a good person. But in order to do so, you first need to understand and establish boundaries or emotional fences.

‘You have to learn that you have a right to your own life and the responsibility to take good care of yourself. This is entirely different from being selfish.’

If you have toxic guilt, you have poor boundaries or maybe no boundaries at all. It’s highly likely that past experiences in your life — such as a difficult upbringing — damaged your boundaries to such an extent that other people can simply step over them and trespass.

We all need help at times so call today and I will help you walk through this guilt that eats away at you. We will work together in a safe environment to give you the strength and tools to recognize when guilt is toxic or healthy. Call me today, I can help.

Free Yourself From A Dysfunctional Family Cycle

Posted on by April 27, 2013

How to free yourself if you’re caught in a dysfunctional family cycle

Many people who’ve been brought up in a dysfunctional household would agree with the famous words that open Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Yet Tolstoy’s great novel — which ends in heartbreak and tragedy — is still only a work of fiction. Real life provides countless examples of men and women who’ve overcome a dysfunctional background to author a happy ending for themselves and the people they love.

The process of healing begins with acknowledging that a wound exists. ‘Everyone wants to believe that their family was or is “normal.” The members of a dysfunctional family are no different.’ The members of a dysfunctional family are no different. Yet the more they have to rationalize to make it seem normal (e.g., “I wasn’t beaten; I was just spanked” or “My mother isn’t verbally abusive; that’s just her way”), the greater their risk of misinterpreting situations and developing negative self-concepts in the process (e.g., “I had it coming; I was a rotten kid”).

Furthermore, those who haven’t learned new and healthier life skills than the ones handed down to them by their family tend to repeat the same unhealthy patterns within their own families. These classic dysfunctional dynamics are summarized below:

  • Sweep problems under the carpet.
  • Don’t express your feelings openly.
  •  Don’t address issues or relationships directly.
  • Always be strong; always be good; always be perfect.
  • Don’t be selfish.
  • Do as I say, not as I do.
  •  You’re not allowed to have fun.
  •  Don’t rock the boat.

Do any of these sound like you?

If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, you can indeed take control of your own life and stop these cycles from repeating themselves within your own family. Contact a therapist and begin your healing journey.

Don’t become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns. Changes may be slow and gradual, but as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they’ll start to become part of your day-to-day life. It’s a tribute to your strength that you survived your dysfunctional background. Now, it’s time to put your past in its proper place so that you and your family can enjoy the happy, healthy future you deserve.

‘If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, you can indeed take control of your own life and stop these cycles from repeating themselves within your own family.’

Start today with the first step: call me at 604-312-6674

Relationships

Posted on by May 26, 2013

Why is it so hard to have a successful relationship?

We all start into a relationship with an idealistic viewpoint of it being successful but sometimes we forget it takes work from both people. These great relationships do not come easily. Even with the seemingly perfect person you have to work continuously on your relationship and find ways to improve it. It is too easy to settle into a routine and expect the relationship to stay strong but many of us know that is not reality. There are keys that I have discovered to a successful relationship. I have listed a couple below but if you struggle with relationships I can help you so call me.

 1. Communication: I know for myself if I cannot open up and be heard by my partner than my relationship is not as solid as it should be. This works both ways.

If my partner says something that hurts my feelings (even when it is unintentional) and I don’t talk about it, I find myself getting annoyed at everything they do. I start nitpicking but I know better. It is not those little things bothering me but that one thing that they said that hurt my feelings and I kept it bottled up inside.

Without two-way communication, many of us hold a grudge and that is not productive for a healthy relationship. One important rule is to talk in a respectful manner and own your own thoughts and feelings without being judgmental. It requires respect of the other individual and once you have shared your perspective it is crucial to be open to the other persons point. Be a good listener!

 2. Honesty: being honest is foundational to a healthy relationship. Even so called “white lies” are not healthy for a solid relationship. This may sound easy but it is not always easy to share your thoughts and feelings with someone when you don’t know what kind of reaction you might get. This gets easier with practice of both sides.

If you struggle in your relationship try counselling because it is a safe place to work on some of those sticky points.

Sonya

Depressed or Low self Esteem?

Posted on by December 2, 2013

Am I Codependent?

At its core, codependency is a dysfunctional relationship with oneself. It is not knowing how to love self in healthy ways often because our parents did not know how to love themselves.

It is living the myth that I can make myself happy by trying to control people and events outside myself. Codependency is a generational and cultural epidemic. In their book “Love is a Choice” the authors state that ‘no less than tens of millions of American across two generations suffer the symptoms of codependency’.

I do not like being labeled and the term codependent is not a label or a stigma of shame. It signifies that I may demonstrate some common patterns and traits. In her book, “Facing Codependency”, Pia Melody describes the Five Core Symptoms of this dysfunctional relationship with self. Some of these are also outlined by Co-Dependents Anonymous and are described below:

 Low self esteem: may be evidenced by difficulty making decisions, judging what I do as “never good enough”, needing approval of others, difficulty in receiving approval, not asking for others to meet my needs or desires and sometimes procrastinating projects, often come from troubled, repressed or dysfunctional families, blame self for everything

Excessive Behaviours: some of these may be addictions to drugs or alcohol, misuse of sex to gain approval, physical abuse of others, eating disorders, work related over functioning, and the need to keep an immaculate house; try to control through helplessness, guilt, coercion, manipulation; look for happiness outside self because they don’t feel content or peaceful within themselves.

Difficulty Setting Boundaries: difficulty choosing what I want to do apart from what others want me to do, inability to say no because I feel obligated and compelled to serve others, sense of responsibility for other people rather than being responsible for my life, a lack of limits leading to chaos, resentment, panic or depression and physical and emotional abuse as a result of my lack of boundaries

Struggling to take care of my adult needs and wants because I am bound and tormented by the way things were in my dysfunctional family of origin: this could look like someone in my family demonstrated excessive, compulsive or abusive behaviours. Because of these I would have a tendency to develop some compulsions now in reaction to my unmet emotional needs as a child

Difficulty knowing self and what I want: When a child does not receive the messages of worth and dignity there is an empty space and in despair it could lead to me looking outside self to find meaning and purpose. It can sometimes look like I have an unhealthy balance between dependence and independence in my relationships.

 Does this mean that I am bad or a problem? Not at all!

Children blame themselves for the problems that happen in their families. “If only I had been a better little girl…” or “If I had done… or hadn’t done…” this wouldn’t have happened. Children are not responsible for their parents’ actions. They are to be loved, nurtured and protected.

Counselling therapy can be the answer you are looking for!

Counselling therapy is a good setting for learning that you are not the problem. It can be a good environment for learning how you developed some of these behaviours and then how to put yourself first. I learned how to meet and identify my own needs, how to take care of myself by setting healthy boundaries, how to communicate in healthy ways, to honour and respect self and the needs and wants of others.

Do you want to discover your self-worth and self-esteem? Do you know that you are lovable? If you recognize some of the behaviours in this article as yours, feel free to call me at 604-312-6674 and begin your journey to freedom and discovery.

 

 

 

Boundaries

Posted on by July 13, 2013

Have you ever had someone come so close to you that you felt uncomfortable?

That is because they have crossed your personal boundary. How about when someone says “you shouldn’t feel that way” or “don’t be like that” or “you will like that”? I have and I find myself experiencing an internal reaction of anger or irritation.

That is because that person is trying to cross my boundaries or even tell me what my boundaries should be.

Boundaries are the realization of our person-hood apart from others, our way to define self. This forms the basis of our personal identity. They help us see what we are and what we are not, what we will choose, what we will endure and what we will not endure, what we feel and what we will not feel, what we like and what we will not like and what we want and what we do not want.

Boundaries protect you and me and when in place, relationships flow more smoothly and we feel good about ourselves.

Do you find yourself saying yes to others and yet resentful when you do? We need to have ownership for our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviours, desires and choices. Perhaps you have notices you struggle with clearly defined boundaries for yourself.

As a therapist, I work with people to help them define their own boundaries for their bodies, their feelings, their behaviours, their thoughts, their abilities, their desires and their limits.

If you would like help in this area please call for an initial free consultation. 604-312-6674

Sonya

The Cycle of Abuse

Posted on by February 22, 2015

The Three Stages of Domestic Violence

Stage One: Tension-Building

Rather than using mutual communication, negotiation, or compromise to solve problems, violent individuals tend to rely on the use of force or coercion to get what they want.

Typically, violence occurs after a buildup of tension in the relationship about issues that are not directly discussed or resolved.

During this period, tension mounts, communication decreases, and both partners may feel tense, edgy, and jumpy. Arguments and criticism tend to increase during this period.

Stage Two: Violence

After this buildup, physical violence may erupt over seemingly insignificant issues. Tension seems to be released, and often, the relationship seems to improve.

Stage Three: Seduction

Perpetrators of violence often apologize, make promises to change, and pay special attention to their partners immediately following a violent incident.

This period is sometimes referred to as the “honeymoon period” because of the positive feelings resulting from the release of tension and the hope that things will change for the better.

This kind of spontaneous change rarely occurs, however, because the underlying pattern of control and lack of communication and compromise has not changed. But with the help of a trained professional therapist, recovery can begin for both spouses.

What to Do If Your Partner Has Been Violent with You

Talk to someone about your feelings. Since relationship violence is traumatic and overwhelming, it is important for you to have support. If you find that family or friends are not able to understand, or cannot offer all the support you need, there are many agencies and organizations with trained professionals who can assist you in a caring, confidential manner.

Know that you are not alone. More than 50 per cent of women in the U.S. report having experienced violence at the hands of a spouse or romantic partner.

Know that you are not to blame. You may have been told that it’s your fault and that you provoked the violence. You may even feel guilty and ashamed. It’s important to recognize, however, that violence is the choice of the abuser: you cannot make that choice for them.

Plan for your safety. Once violence has occurred in a relationship, it’s likely to happen again. It’s important to prepare and protect yourself from future violence.

Talk to a trusted friend or relative about what’s happening and arrange to stay with that person when things get bad.

Keep a spare set of keys and some money in a place where you can get them in a hurry.

If you decide to leave, consider seeking a protective order. A protective order is a court order that can remove the abuser from their residence if that residence is shared with you, forbid the abuser from communicating with you or going near your place of residence or employment, and order the abuser to attend counseling or a batterer’s treatment program.

Sonya

Anger Management Techniques

Posted on by February 14, 2014

What You Can Do Right Now

It feels urgent! When you’re angry, or dealing with someone else’s anger, you want something to help right now. So, that’s where we’re going to start:

• Walk away. When your (or someone else’s) anger is escalating, you’re not going to get anywhere with arguing, fighting, etc. Take a break, walk outside, get some exercise, whatever you can do to break the angry mood and calm yourself down.

• Write it down. This is the absolute best, all time, immediately effective technique I know of–of course, you have to be willing to do it–find out more about anger journalling.

• Visualize your anger. If you can see an image in your mind of anger or rage, then you will be able to “See It Don’t Be It.” Learn more about managing your anger by working with a counselling therapist.

Sonya Randle

 

Is Anger Good or Bad?

Posted on by April 28, 2014

The Angry Attitude

You probably know it well, whether it’s your angry attitude or someone else’s. It’s like a bee’s nest inside, that just won’t stop buzzing.

And you want to sting somebody else…to ease the stinging inside you. And usually, it’s the people closest to you–in your home, at work, or on the freeway.

Here are some of the thoughts that indicate an angry attitude:

  • I can’t believe they just don’t get it. How can they be so stupid, blind, etc.
  • I just can’t stand it any more.
  • It’s got to stop, and I’m secretly scared of what I’m going to do.
  • I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I don’t know how to stop.

Whether you’re willing to admit or not–even to yourself–you feel like a victim. You’re a victim to all of those people who just don’t get it.

Or maybe you feel like a victim to your own anger. One way or another, you just aren’t going to put up with it any more.

The Emotion of Anger

Anger is the emotion of self-preservation of your worth,  needs, and convictions. So anger can be both good and bad. It depends upon how we manage it. Anger does not arise in a vacuum. We have basic psychological needs that ahve to be adequately met if we are to enjoy emotional balance. When these needs are met we experience the emotions of distress, including anger. Persistent problems with anger imply unresolved psychologcial needs.

Going Deeper

Opening the lines of communication between ourselves and the people we connect with is challenging – even when things are going well. Given our current workloads and personal stress, sometimes maintaining those open lines doesn’t seem possible – or worth the trouble involved. When this happens, we begin to miss opportunities to identify issues and improve the way we work together.

In this section I will be discussing approaches to defuse anger and defensiveness (in yourself and others) and new perspectives from which to resolve difficult issues which are concerning you.

Anger and the Body’s Response

The Trigger                                                                                                   Phase One

Any threatening event that causes initial arousal is referred to as a “trigger”.  Examples of possible triggers are if someone yells at you unexpectedly, if you receive some shocking news, or if you think about a situation that upsets you.  Thus, triggers can be caused by external events or internally through your memory and perceptions.  At the point that you are “triggered”, you body starts to physiologically prepare itself.  You become more mentally alert and prepared to deal with the potential conflict.

The Escalation                                                                                              Phase Two

During the escalation, your body is preparing itself for the fight or flight syndrome.  Some symptoms of this phase are:

Increase in respiration (short, rapid breathing)

  • Increase in heart rate
  • Pupils enlarge
  • Muscles tense up
  • Adrenaline starts flowing

The Crisis                                                                                                      Phase Three

At this point, your body has reached maximum potential for fight or flight.  Your ability to judge and evaluate is severely impaired.   People in this stage are easily angered and will “fly off the handle” with the slightest provocation.

The Recovery                                                                                               Phase Four

At this point, the body’s adrenaline level is decreasing.  Judgement is also returning as the heart rate and chemicals produced in the escalation and crisis stage subside.

Post-Crisis Depression                                                                               Phase Five

The body reacts to the stress by slowing down below normal.  At this stage, feelings of guilt, regret and depression may occur.

Triggers

In order to effectively defuse anger, we must first deal with our own feelings and needs.  What angers one person will not necessarily anger another.  These anger prompters are called “triggers”.  It is important to be aware of our own triggers and how to exercise self-control when we are triggered.

Defusing anger is largely common sense.  However, common sense often is lost to us when we are triggered.  The usual response to triggers is to either blame us or blame others for loss of control.  Both of these responses increase our own emotionality.  Thus, it is essential that you DEFUSE YOURSELF BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO DEFUSE OTHERS. Remember, you are responsible for your own choice in how your respond in any situation.

So, what are some of your triggers?

Expressing Anger

For many years, approaches to managing anger have urged us to stifle our anger, to calm down, and to accept the status quo.  In this section I will focus on expressing – not suppressing – the core of our anger more fully.   By expressing our needs, we are far more likely to get them met.

Key Concepts:

  • We are never angry because of what others say or do – The first step is to recognize that another person has no responsibility for our anger.  We eliminate thoughts such as “He made me angry when he did that.”
  • To motivate by guilt, mixes up the stimulus and cause – We often use language to trick ourselves into believing that our feelings result from what others do.  “You hurt me by doing that.”
  • The cause of anger lies in our own thinking – in thoughts of blame and judgement – Whenever we are angry, we are finding fault.  We are choosing to judge and blame the other person for being wrong.  We are choosing Option Two below: Blaming Others.
  • Use anger as a wake-up call – We begin to recognize the experience of anger as an alarm system.  We realize that when we experience anger, we have a need that isn’t being met AND that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met.

Four Options When Hearing a Difficult Message:

  1. Blaming Ourselves
  2. Blaming Others
  3. Sensing our own feelings and needs
  4. Sensing other’s feelings and needs

Four Steps to Expressing Anger

When we sense our anger, we can choose to:

1. Stop.  Breathe.

We refrain from making any move to blame or punish the other person. We simply stay quiet.

2. Identify our judgmental thoughts

We identify the thoughts that are making us angry (“It’s unfair to act like that – she is being racist”) and recognize that all judgements are expressions of unmet needs.

3. Connect with our needs

We search for the needs behind our thoughts.   If I judge someone as racist, my need may be for inclusion, equality, respect or connection.

4. Express our feelings and unmet needs

We now speak the anger – but the anger has been transformed into needs and need-connected feelings.  (“When you entered the room and started talking to the others and didn’t say anything to me and then made the comment about white people, I felt really sick to my stomach and got so scared; it triggered off all kinds of needs on my part to be treated equally.”)

Offering Empathy First

Sometimes between steps 3 & 4 we may choose to empathize with the other person.  When we hear the other person’s feelings and needs, we begin to see what’s going on in their hearts & do not have to get caught up with the stuff in their heads.  Also, he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in step 4.

Adapted from the work of Dr. Marshal Rosenberg, in his book, Non-Violent Communication

If you need help with anger management please contact me and I will walk with you and help you understand the unmet needs behind your anger.

Sonya